BOWMAN ... HE’S NOT DAVE
Aggravators and ill-feelings come and go on the Jerry Jeff Walker-L mailing list, but Art
will always be Art, and Art Bowman (whose email signature includes that quotation from
somebody named Goethe) and Dave take turns poking fun at themselves.
Maybe it’s because they both used to be Texas sports writers. Maybe it’s because
they’re both just big ol’ windbags. Whatever. It seems Art has a problem with
the Beaumont Dave T-shirt business, and he’s even suggested a T-shirt of his own:
“I’m Not Dave.”
Even when Beaumont Dave tries to soothe things, like last Valentine’s Day, things get
out of control.
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Date: Wed, 07 Jan 1998 20:38:48
From: "Arthur W. Bowman" <awbowman@cris.com>
Dave, of Beaumont, wrote:
> > I was just trying to see if anyone was paying attention. You know me,
> I'm starved for attention . . .
And apparently between jobs, therefore all the time on you hands to"freelance"
to the listserv. Wonder if Dave thinks there's a literary agent among the DotCompadres?
All he's proven so far is that computers, unlike typewriters, don't have ink ribbons that
eventually run dry.
Editorially,bowman- -- "Art will always be Art." -- Goethe
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Subj: [JJW] (Long, no JJW) You call this service, or
Date: 98-02-20 18:06:55 EST
From: awbowman@concentric.net (awbowman)
I'm not strange, I'm just like . . .
Bear with me, fellow DotCompadres. This here story's brought to you via the Internet
because I can't trust the USPS (United State Postal Service - an oxymoron).
Let's say you've got a friend (let's call him Dave). This friend lives about 900 miles
away (say...Beaumont) and is shipping a surprise gift. He goes to the local USPS office
(probably just down the street from the trailer park) to ship his surprise. He's already
stuck enough stamps on the box to add another ounce of weight but, because he wants his
surprise to arrive ON Feb. 14, the USPS demands he pay another $15. Reluctantly, because
it means he can't buy wifey any more pots & pans and get some nookie, he forks over
the extra dough. The USPS then takes over.
Three days AFTER the planned delivery date, which said friend paid extra to secure, you
get a yellow note from your local USPS carrier that you have a package. But, said carrier
says she can't leave it at the house because you have to sign for it, which is one of the
"benefits" said friend gets for his additional monies. Being an investigative
reporter, you scan the yellow notice and notice (same word, different meaning) that it
came from "Beaumont." Searching through your pickled brain cells the only one
from Beaumont you know is Dave . . . nah, couldn't be.
Next day, four days AFTER the planned delivery date, you take the initiative to go to the
local USPS office. The package isn't there. They try to deliver it for two days and, if
you aren't at home, then they leave it at the local USPS office. So, taking initiative
another step, you sign the yellow notice, leave it for the local USPS carrier and head off
to work. Hours later you arrive home anticipating your package only to find the local USPS
carrier has taken the intiative to write you a note: "I can't leave the package at
your home without someone present to accept it, that's one of the benefits your friend
gets for paying the extra dough."
Life gets in the way and you can't make another trek to the local USPS office until . . .
The next day, six days AFTER the planned delivery date, you again head to the local USPS
office. You realize that you are paying as much in gas as the aforementioned friend paid
to get all these extra benefits (i.e., timely delivery, required and in-person signature,
etc.). You also realize that the local USPS office you are driving toward IS the one your
carrier is based from but NOT the one listed on the yellow notice. Thank goodness the
local USPS carrier can't read because the package is where it should be, not where the
yellow notice says it is.
Package in hand, you race to your vehicle, whip out your handy pocket knife and carefully
open the package. (The box, by the way, is from "Magic Chef," which means that
the Trailer Park Romeo really DID buy his wife pots & pans and score lots of nookie.)
You open the package, read the handwritten Valentine's Day wish (on a card with a lovely
motorcyle couple who've been ridden hard) and pull out the . . .
Oh, my God. It's a rubber . . . Wait a minute. Let me slide this - oh, tight fit - down my
pants. Yep, this confirms it: I'm not strange, I'm just like Dave. I've got a chicken in
my pants.
bowman
--
"Art will always be Art." -- Goethe
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Subj: [JJW] I'm NOT Dave
Date: 98-04-24 18:14:43 EDT
From: awbowman@cris.com (awbowman)
Sender: owner-jjw-l@lists.io.com
Reply-to: jjw-l@io.com
To: jjw-l@io.com
db, a.k.a. the white collar redneck f.k.a. David Byboth, and Henrietta (redhead or blonde,
but acting blonde) Pussycat, who is really Carrie, sparred:
>Ok...now it's my turn to take offense....I have been called a lot of things
before...but NEVER Beaumont Dave.......! ...db
I see a whole new line, maybe two, of t-shirts here. First, you have the succinct:
"I'm NOT Dave"
Second, you have the expanded:
"I May Have a Chicken in my Pants
but
I'm Not Dave”
I'm looking for someone in a SE Texas trailer park to do the marketing. Someone who has
experience in direct mail and e-commerce. Someone who parks humility at the door when the
cash register rings. Someone whose great grandfather on his mother's side once said . . .
well, I don't remember what he said, but his name was PT Barnum. I'd sell 'em myself, but
I'd
feel downright like I was taking advantage of you by charging y'all $20/shirt when my
t-shirt vendor charges only $6 for shortsleeve t-shirts and less than $10 for longsleeve
t-shirts - 100% cotton.
On second thought, maybe I will. T-shirt sales could help finance a trip to Belize.
Looks like us Georgians have to wait until September to get our fix. The Gonzos aren't
heading for the Great SE until then, and they aren't doing their Beaufort, S.C., thing in
May (according to Walter's website schedule).
bowman (I'm NOT Dave)
--
"Art will always be Art." -- Goethe