Subj: The Visiting Parents Chronicles Visits The In-Laws
Date: 97-12-30 15:28:45 EST

It happened as expected. But how do you ever prepare for something like this?
I'm on the couch happily watching the playoff game and I guess I'm so "into
it" I don't notice the rest of the men and all of the children have wandered
outside, to shoot the kids' Christmas air rifles at neighborhood cats and to
try out their new hunting binoculars against the venetian blinds of the cute
little divorcee down at the end of the street. I go the bathroom to make a
beer deposit and when I come back in the room the TV's on mute and while I'm
searching for my bearings -- trying to figure out what's happening on the
screen, I hear them talking, softly at first, then more and more boldly.
They're talking about mail-order jewelry, about whether to order the 20-inch
gold chain or the 24-inch chain and whether or not their sons notice when they
change their nail color.

OmiGod, I've gone to sleep and wakened in the Sister-in-Law Zone!!! Three of
them, and a mother-in-law, too. I run to the door. It's bolted. I'm having
trouble breathing and the room is starting to spin. The front door's no
option. They're standing in front of it, bragging about the beautiful wreath
they ordered from QVC and copying down Aunt Martha's recipe for spinach
casserole. John Elway, be damned, I see no other option but to retreat to the
bathroom and wait for them to finish their wine coolers and hit the stores for
the day's third round of after-Christmas sales shopping.

Soon, it's time to eat. It's always time to eat at the in-laws. But this time
it's different, off to the all-you-can-eat family buffet, the Western Corral
Bonanza Sizzler. Needless to say, it's wall to wall with other holiday
escapees trying to shake off the effects of way too much cheer and eggnog. The
only thing worse than the service is the food. I'd say I was grossed-out by
seeing my father-in-law repeatedly spill food from his mouth while chewing but
who's to say he wasn't merely "sampling the fare" and found it lacking. Silly
me -- I swallowed. At least I did when I wasn't being interrupted by the
laughing hyena lady at a nearby table, or by the teeny-bopper waitress
apologizing for bad service .. She wouldn't have anything to apologize for if
she'd spend her time serving, not apologizing.

Me, I have to apologize for being a bad son-in-law, so sue me. But when the
in-laws gave me a new night table for Christmas, why did it have to be an
unfinished one? If I had time to sand and varnish and buff, or whatever, I'd
have had time to check out the in-laws before I fell in love with their
daughter, see how wide is Mom's butt and count the number of Skoal-splattered
siblings.

Aw well, I got bigger things to worry about, I guess. Like the busted plumbing
that greeted me when I returned from the in-laws. Maybe my chainsmoking mom
was trying to flush something she shouldn't have down the commode ... like her
tar-encrusted lungs. Whatever, I'm missing the Sunday games to deal with a
plumber.

I wanted to send this story to you sooner, but the damn plumber dug right
through my telephone line, so I spent all Monday waiting on Ma Bell to turn me
on. There are worse turn-ons, believe me. So finally I got to go to the
bathroom and finally the phone has a dial tone ....

Yep, you guessed it. It's time to go to Scout camp. So I did.

Good news is the freezing rain has stopped. It's just freezing, freezing now.
And I just thawed out enough to turn this 'puter on and now I'm sending you
early New Years greetings. It'll be a different year for me ... but I don't
look for anything new.

If you'll settle for different,
I'm Beaumont Dave
saying be grateful for what you've got. With a little luck and penicillin, it
won't leave a scar.